Parenting in a Pandemic: Enough is enough. Here is how workplaces can do better for parents (and everyone)
My husband and I collapsed on our couch one evening in March, exhausted by a full day of chasing naps, mealtimes, and activities with our 5 month old.
That evening, my husband turned to me and made a comment that gave me pause: “What would this be like if we didn’t have a baby?” Honestly, I think it would have been easier.
When the pandemic and COVID 24-7 unfolded, our family went into lockdown in our 2 bedroom apartment in Queens. Pre-COVID, we had already been social distancing to prevent our newborn from catching a winter flu, so for us it felt like an extension of a prison sentence to remain indoors and away from loved ones.
We tried Zoom calls with our friends. They felt beyond tiring because one of us had to be bouncing our baby up and down for her to stay quiet. We could barely pay attention to the dialogue. And we almost always had to leave early.
Then our work lives went fully remote - a full on WFH situation filled with video calls all day long. Zoom calls with our friends took a backseat, and the only way to describe it accurately is that shit hit the fan. At first it was fun, a novelty. Being home with the baby was lovely. Have lunch together, play a little peek-a-boo. Then the realization sunk in that the office was doubling as a nursery, diaper changes were the new pee break, and baby spit up was replacing lunch hour.
One of us needed to be with the baby while the other was in meetings. Sometimes we argued about whose meeting was more important. Sometimes we missed meetings or were late consistently. Both of us were used to being highly engaged, productive employees and we both felt like we were failing miserably at being employees and parents and needed more support at work for our parental needs.
What if our workplaces better supported parents? Would we be struggling so much? Parental burnout isn’t a new problem, but it is becoming a norm that needs to be reversed.
Workplaces - here is what parents need:
A Parents Network: After about 6 months of remote-parenting-working, we have learned ways of managing working from home with a baby. I have relied heavily on parent friends for support--especially mom friends. A work-oriented parent network is necessary for emotional support, actionable age-appropriate activities for parents and kids alike, and helpful coping methods. Not everyone has access to a parent network, and employers can help create a network inside their companies. Bring parents together and encourage them to support each other.
Respect (and help to build out) calendars with Parenting Blocks: Support multi-parent households to switch off working hours and take the kid(s) in shifts. Have one person block off work time and truly focus while the other person blocks off kid time in his or her schedule. For single parent households, make it clear to managers that they need to support the build out of extra flexible hours using tools like color coding, BOLD print, and other methods of transparent and simple calendar management.
Managers Prepared for conversations with context, empathy, and proactivity. Get comfortable with parents doing less at work. Time to tone down the over-achiever attitude and realize that leadership can shorten the to-do list and still make progress at work. Parents don’t need to do the extra project now. They can say no. They can push things to later. And most importantly, all without penalty on performance reviews.
Work/Life Integration Boundaries. Work/Life balance doesn’t exist anymore (did it ever?). Parents need to control when they work and when they don’t. It’s ok to work outside of “normal” hours. It is ok if “end of day” is midnight, especially if parents can take 3 to 6pm to be with their kids. Work in tandem with parents to figure out how they can carve out time for what is important.
Robust Options for Parents Self care. Help parents create healthy routines when possible--encourage hobbies, reading for fun, and re-charge activities. Ensure that parents are using their PTO and not just to take care of their children. If they’re not using PTO, remind them to. If companies don’t help parents get real time to rest and turn off fully, their morale goes down.
Support of ‘the Individual’ not just ‘the Parent’: Help parents create space in the house that is for “me time.” If possible, provide a small stipend for that space (similar to the office stipend, but this is more personal). Parents can put whatever they love in that space: comfy blanket, books, red wine, chocolate, fuzzy slippers, plants--whatever makes them feel like an individual again. They can visit that corner when they need a time out, and take a few minutes to get back to a happy place before going back to the chaos ensuing at home.
We are fortunate in many ways to be in our situation - healthy, comfortable home, paid work, and two parents at home. That said, being parents during a pandemic is draining like nothing we have experienced before.
Employers need to proactively learn and meet parents where they are. Diversity in the workplace includes parents--so make sure you’re being inclusive about your support and retention practices. Parents have been largely invisible in the workplace, keeping their personal stories at home. WFHDAP (WFH During a Pandemic) has had a stark way of lifting the veil and revealing that parents have been hurting for support.
The time is NOW for WFH support, and these practices should be carried forward into the future.
