Why Coming Out In The Workplace Is Harder Than You Think
Woman working at her desk.
Disclosure in the workplace takes a lot of courage. Coming out in your personal life is one thing, but disclosing your pronouns and sexual identity in the workplace adds a layer of uncertainty and discomfort. While we never know how our peers will react, people often question whether their truth will be acknowledged and respected.
Over the course of my career, I’ve had to come out several times. People usually assume me to be a cisgender heterosexual woman. I’m occasionally met with, “You don’t look gay” remarks. Over time I’ve learned not to be offended by comments that are rooted in ignorance of the diverse representation of LGBTQ+ community. My experiences have been both good and bad. Although a majority of my colleagues have been supportive, I have been exposed to the unpleasant side of coming out in the workplace. On separate occasions in different organizations, I’ve had 2 male cis-gender colleagues make inappropriate comments about my sexual preference.
Coming out in a professional environment isn’t always met with a positive outcome. Sexual harassment, intentional misgendering, bias and discrimination are familiar experiences for many people in the LGBTQ+ community. In order to develop and maintain a healthy work environment for all employees, a sense of respect for everyone’s individual journey has to be established. You may not fully understand one’s life choices, and you don’t have to, but you should honor and respect it.
Actions HR and leadership can take today to support inclusion:
Check-in with tech leadership about the process for an employee to change names within technology programs. Think in LDAP, Active Directory, Github, root email addresses, slack, company profiles, and so on. If it is in your tech stack, make sure you have a process for changing data. If there isn’t a process, create one that can be implemented quickly and discreetly; it is important to the employee.
Have a process for telling other employees about names, pronouns, and any other workplace-pertinent changes. Check-in with the employee who is coming out about the process they’d feel most comfortable with--do they want it broadcast? Only shared with a small group? Make sure they are choosing what feels best for them.
Have a section in the company handbook that talks about your process. The section might be small, but having dedicated space can be the support an employee needs to talk to HR about next steps.
Make sure company policies, values, and code of conducts embrace individuals being true to themselves when it comes to gender expression and identity. Be comprehensive with thoughts, words, and programming to promote psychological safety for these employees.
Be aware of how remote vs. onsite workers might influence how employees choose to present themselves in the workplace. When changing workplace behaviors to build a more inclusive culture, acknowledge that
It is imperative that every company or organization develop strong workplace standards that allow all employees to feel valued and respected. People need to feel like they’re in a safe space when they decide to disclose their pronouns or sexual preferences. When you’re out in the world meeting new people, it is possible to encounter folks who are resistant to honoring your truth. In the workplace environment, there is no place for that resistance.
As we work towards becoming a more progressive world, open conversations like this must continue to happen. The earth is made up of billions of people exploring their individuality. It is not up to us to understand everyone’s life choices, but it is our duty to approach people with basic human decency. I aspire to live in a world where instead of constantly explaining and defining who I am, I can just be without judgement.
Here is Daelynn Moyer’s experience:
My employer was a small, boutique software development agency. I'd been brought on as a Principal Engineer, and as such, was in a fairly high-profile role within the company. My client was a Fortune 20 multinational company.
Many people who transition take some time off work, discuss things with management and HR, and then return on a Monday presenting as their new, proper gender. From an outsider's perspective, their transition is an event. My own process was just that... a process. I started wearing increasingly androgynous, and then increasingly feminine clothing to work. First skinny jeans, then a cute cardigan, then ballet flats. All of this was being noticed by folks at both workplaces. My employer and the other folks in that office seemed welcoming of this emergence, this claiming of my authenticity. People at the client site seemed skeptical, but they were paying my employer a lot of money for the privilege of having unfettered access to me and they weren't going to put that at risk.When the holidays rolled around, both client and employer were closed between Christmas and New Year's Day, and this felt like the opportunity I'd needed. After the holidays, I was going to start wearing makeup, dresses, heels, etc. I told my employer ahead of time and gave them the opportunity to express any discomfort and to ask me to wait out the current contract, but their response was just lovely. My boss said, "If a client has a problem with how you dress, I'd rather fire them than ask you to be someone you're not." That was all I needed!
I did not talk to the client ahead of time, and they had not yet said anything of note about my increasingly feminine wardrobe. But I was still scared stiff when, on Jan. 2, I strolled into the office wearing a women's business suit-dress and blazer, heels, and a full face of makeup. While I did not expect anyone to behave actively transphobic ally toward me, I *did* expect cold shoulders. And I got no small number of them.
But what caught me off guard was how positive most of the people there were. They complimented me on my wardrobe choices, they complimented my hair (I was wearing a wig after many years of a shaved head). They warmly (albeit figuratively) embraced me, and those that had a problem with it kept it to themselves.
That was also the first day in my life that I used the women's restroom. I was terrified, convinced that someone would call security about a 'man' in the bathroom. And again, I found acceptance. Most women ignored me, but a few said hello and introduced themselves to me... I'd seen them for months in the hallway and they'd ignored me completely, but now they welcomed me into the club.
I was lucky. Not all workplace transitions are so sanguine, but I have learned over time that, at least in a larger city, people respect authenticity far more than perfection. I have learned that if I allow people the opportunity to see me in the most authentic light I can cast on myself, I often get the same in return. And that has been a really powerful lesson for me that extends way beyond changing genders in the workplace.
Edited by Jes Osrow, Co-Founder of The Rise Journey
Photo Credit: “Queer in Tech” free stock photos from Mapbox
